I Don’t Want to Get Married but I Still Love Him

culled from:http://youqueen.com

When there were less people on the planet, marriage was a social contract that made sense, now it has some negative connotations that can scare love birds away. Prenups can breed insecurities and so can other people’s advice on how to plan your wedding.
Weddings get to be very expensive and sometimes become a source of stress in an otherwise peaceful relationship. There is a lot of pressure and expectations around weddings. Sometimes it seems like an impossible task to pull off if family members have beef or your friends take things too personally.
Not to mention, the typical platonic family has many variations today that the typical marriage laws in some states often can’t accommodate. Let’s take a candid look at why you’re not crazy for doubting if you should take the big step even when you love your man.
Let’s look at some reasons women might not want to get married, so you might be able to better understand the source of your own anxiety. If you love him, it’s good to be able to talk about what emotions the idea triggers in you. Remember, your experiences growing up will affect your idea of marriage too.
You may realize, after reading this, that your anxiety is really coming from a place of love. Hopefully you will feel empowered to speak your mind, say “I don’t want to get married, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you!” and understand you are not crazy, just protective.

Expenses can create a lot of pressure

It’s true; the idea of getting married brings up a lot of financial insecurities. Today weddings seem to be a competition on Instagram, but ladies, they don’t have to be. If you or your parents don’t think it makes sense to throw a big wedding, then don’t. This is your decision and you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything that adds stress to your life.
Maybe you’re more anxious about the expenses after the big day. Sometimes people feel pressure, and it may not even be something they are aware of.
The looming idea of a mortgage might seem daunting, and that is an understandable, natural feeling, especially if you don’t make a fortune or don’t plan on staying at your job because you don’t like it. It sometimes makes people feel like they will be trapped in a job they don’t like or be forced to give up their dreams.
If you really love your man and he really loves you, you will still be able to pursue your passions in your marriage. The point of a relationship is to grow, not to stagnate or kill your passions. You are there to fire each other up and support each other, not sacrifice your dreams.
Sometimes the fear of marriage, is not the fear of marriage at all, it’s commonly the fear of giving up what is really important to you. Bring it up in a kind and compassionate way as something that needs to be addressed beforehand.
No one says you have to be married to be in a relationship. Even though most people get married, it shouldn’t change your take on the subject. If you think it’s going to have a negative effect on your relationship, it’s probably not a good idea to get married.
A relationship doesn’t have much to do with a marriage, since it’s just a legal document. A promise to act and behave in a certain way is a personal decision and the courts aren’t going to make you any better or worse at it.

Maybe you’re not sure about your career

If you love him but don’t love your job, this can create some anxiety around the idea of getting married. Not to worry, this is just another area to work on with a positive attitude. Get real with your career goals and write them all down. Then look at what you need to do to get there.
Remember, you can have a career and the man of your dreams; the two do not live in exclusivity. Maybe someone in your past or something you saw made you believe you had to give up your dreams to get married. This idea of the martyr is so last century ladies. Your man loves you and wants to support your dreams, not crush them.
Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves to wear our big girl boots and not get lazy in a relationship. By lazy I mean complacent, don’t get used to watching TV on the couch with dinner every night and lose sight of your goals. Maybe you should get in touch with them on a retreat and it could be the adjustment you need.
Sometimes taking time away from your lover can bring up new inspirations and heal some misconceptions.

Maybe you’re not ready to have kids

Yes, marriage often makes us feel like the next step is starting a family, but it doesn’t have to be. If you and your partner are truly in love, this conversation can be a sensitive moment that can bring you closer. Some people’s minds change over time as their life situations and perspectives change.
It’s rare that two people are ready to have kids at the exact same time and I have news for you, it’s perfectly fine to be nervous about it. Don’t beat yourself up about having cold feet about being a mother. You should. It’s a huge responsibility that is sometimes taken too lightly.
It’s best if it’s planned out ahead of time so it’s not a financial stress on your relationship and the child has a copacetic environment. It’s important to just face your fears, get them out on the table, look them in the eye and break them down. Expose your fears to your partner in a nonaggressive way so he knows what you feel too, chances are, he may have some of the same feelings.

Maybe you’re anxious about family complications

Many people have messy families today, and the idea of getting married brings up all sorts of anxieties about who to invite and who’s going to be offended. You’re not crazy to want to avoid the whole thing because you don’t want awkward situations. Have you considered eloping? People do that and it saves a lot of money too!
Live your life on your own terms ladies, and don’t worry about getting married right away. If you want to give the relationship more time, what’s the rush? Nothing should change if the relationship is gold. Respecting each other means respecting emotions, even if it requires patience.
Here’s something I have noticed frequently: Some families put too much pressure on women to find a certain kind of man, so they feel guilty for falling in love with someone that they don’t think will fit their parents’ standards. This is mostly hogwash.
If your parents or grandparents are pushing you to marry a guy who has a lot of money, drives a fancy car or looks a certain way, they are leading you astray. Get honest with the pressures that are coming from family conditioning because they need to be realized and debunked.

Maybe you feel like marriage ends fun

Maybe your relationship is fun and you feel like marriage means you have to get serious. Who says? What really changes besides your own expectations? Our minds play tricks on us sometimes because of what we have observed growing up. Maybe you have seen a lot of people become unhappy in relationships shortly after being married.
If you work on yourself and your relationship for a while before you get married, you have a much higher chance of having the communication skills and emotional coping skills to keep it fresh and exciting. If you don’t want to let your relationship get boring, then don’t! The ball is in your court.
Surprise him, do things to spice it up, like planning romantic getaways, writing him a poem or doing more sentimental gestures. The spice should get better with age, just shift your mind to a more positive outlook and you may be singing a different tune.

Maybe he’s not the one

Now here is the other side of the coin. Remember, no matter what, your feelings are coming from something, and it’s important to take time to reflect to see what the root is. Sometimes it’s something from our past, and sometimes, it’s our intuition giving us a hint.
Sometimes we become complacent and ignore things that really bother us for the sake of having a companion or a fear of change. If you have been ignoring those little warning signs, it’s time to get clear about if you love him enough or if you are possibly in love with the idea of him more than the actual person.
If something doesn’t feel right about marriage, is it because he’s not treating you right? Is he condescending or disrespectful to you? Do you feel empowered and supported or do you feel like you’re walking on thin ice all the time hoping he will notice you? This is important. If you don’t feel secure now, you sure as heck won’t if you’re married.
If he likes to keep a distance between the two of you that keeps you guessing, that’s just his ego pining for attention and it’s not fair to you. If you feel like he’s trying to get attention from other women in public or when you’re not around, that’s a pretty good sign, he’s not ready to get married and you’re picking up on it.
Ask yourself if your love for him is healthy or enabling. Are you caretaking of him and trying to change him?

Put it all on the table

Sometimes we are afraid to approach some subjects, whether it is in our partner’s past or our own, because of the fear that there will be judgment and things will fall apart. Is there something you haven’t discussed that needs to be brought out in the open? Sometimes it’s those monsters in the closet that need to be brought out into the daylight so they can no longer be in our subconscious mind.
I’m not telling you to bring up everything you’ve ever done or worried about because that would just bring a lot of negative energy to your relationship, but at least try to face what you are fearful about, and ask yourself if it’s a realistic fear or if it’s just blown out of proportion in your own head.
Need self-development?
Sometimes we may have guilt that keeps us from wanting to tie the knot. What does that mean? It means that maybe we’ve been putting off working on ourselves or some changes we would like to make in our own lives that would make us more content, healthy or emotionally stable.
Perhaps you’ve been putting off quitting smoking, changing to a healthy diet, resolving some emotional traumas, paying off your debt, or addressing some anger issues. If you don’t want to get married because of something you want to resolve by yourself, that’s not a bad thing, it’s actually quite honorable.
So make a list of what you would like to work on, and take steps to change. You can do it and you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it is best not to involve your partner in your personal development struggles because it can be heavy and might affect him. Be cautious of your words and try to use positive language and positive affirmations in the change process.
A lot of times our anxiety about marriage has nothing to do with marriage itself and everything to do with something else. It comes from somewhere and it can be really valuable to look for the source or sources of your discomfort. There are no negative emotions that don’t have a positive resolution attached to it.
If you look for growth and you do so with a loving heart, you can use this fear to become more honest with yourself and release what might be stealing energy from you and keeping you from being your lightest and most optimistic self. Self-reflection and journaling is something that can heal a lot of heavy emotions that bog us down.
Sometimes all it takes is a new perspective to help us let go of negativity and move our focus on more exciting and positive things. Don’t throw away a good relationship just because you don’t believe in the complexity of modern marriage.
If you have insight on this subject you would like to share, we would love for you to add comments below. YouQueen is a resource for women to be real, figure things out, and lead more empowered and happy lives, so join in on spreading knowledge and support.