12 Tips for Seriously Better Sex

Can you remember the last time you couldn’t wait to get home and shimmy between the sheets? Was it last week? Last month? Last … year? We get it: sometimes it’s easier to give in to your excuses: ‘I’m too tired’, ‘There’s too much going on—let’s just do it this weekend’, ‘It doesn’t even feel that great to begin with’. But we don’t need to tell you that sex is essential for a healthy relationship—and a healthy you. Research shows that a happy sex life can stamp out stress, reduce heart-disease risk and improve immunity. But enough of the unsexy talk—just try one of these libido-lifting tricks today. You can thank us later.

1. Take a Lunchtime Stroll

Research shows that the fitter you are, the more sex you’ll crave.
In a study of women aged 45 to 55, sexual satisfaction correlated directly to fitness. “The less exercise they got, the lower their desire and sexual satisfaction,” says psychologist Judith Gerber, PhD, from The University of Vermont in the US. Sydney-based clinical counsellor and sexologist Tanya Koens agrees: “Ramping up your exercise gives you an energy surge that you can put to good use.”
2. Book a Rub-down

A pampering massage is a stress reliever and libido stoker.
“The skin-on-skin contact stimulates the sex hormone oxytocin,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First ($44.95; The Scribo Group). “The more oxytocin released, the more desire a woman will feel.” Koens recommends ‘sensate focus’, an exercise in which the couple touch each other without it leading to sex. “I recommend that for 20 minutes, three times a week, couples connect through massage and touch only. It’s a great opportunity to give your partner feedback and feel connected in a new way. This type of massage can offer a pathway back to sex if you’ve been off the boil for a while.”
3. Read Something Hot

Skip the 7 o’clock news and flip through a sexy romance novel instead.
Reading something racy is a good strategy for getting you in the mood, says clinical psychologist Janet Hall, PhD, author of Sex-Life Solutions ($26.95; HarperCollins). If you’re hesitant, Hall recommends starting slowly with something less overt. “Mills & Boon can be an effective introduction for women—why else do you think they sell so many copies? Women prefer the subtle approach!”
4. Get Really Relaxed

Just a few meditation sessions can jack up your sex drive and speed arousal.
Researchers at Canada’s University of British Columbia and Israel’s Hadassah University Hospital measured reactions among 24 women watching an erotic film, then again after the subjects had attended three mindfulness-meditation courses. Watching the same movie, the women were much more turned on than during the first viewing. “Mindfulness can directly change brain processing and allow women to experience arousal more acutely,” says study co-author Lori Brotto, PhD.
5. Put a Stop to Distractions

It’s not just those endless to-do lists that make your mind wander in bed; you’re wired that way.
According to brain-scan research, women’s brains are naturally more active than men’s, even during sex. “For men, sex is very linear. It starts with desire, then moves through arousal to build-up, which includes any sexual activities. Afterwards, they go back to the beginning and start again. Rinse, wash, repeat—it’s simple!” says Koens. “Women are much more complicated. For us, it’s 75 per cent subjective; we pay attention to what’s going on around us. If your partner hints that he’s in the mood, but you hear the kids screaming, you haven’t done the washing and the bills are piling up, the chances for sex are slim!” According to Koens, the best ingredient for good sex is compromise. “Suggest to your partner that you do something else, such as just lie down together and stroke one another. Or decide that one or neither of you is going to climax. When too much is going on, some women find it’s too much to have an orgasm.”
6. Check Your Medicines

Any antidepressants among them? They could cost you your orgasm.
Selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), a class of drugs that includes Prozac and Zoloft, can contribute to a low libido. They short-circuit your pleasure centre by decreasing levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine (one of a trio of sexual brain chemicals, along with hormones oestrogen and testosterone), and they could be responsible for your anorgasmia (inability to achieve orgasm).
If that zombielike feeling is torpedoing your love-life, find out whether the antidepressant Aurorix is suitable for you, as it may have fewer side effects, says Dr Joe Kosterich, GP and Prevention adviser. Just don’t think about taking a holiday from your medication in the hopes of having an orgasm the next day. “I wouldn’t recommend taking a break from your antidepressant just for a weekend. These drugs can take a while to leave your system, and it’s unlikely to make much of a difference to your body so quickly,” he says.
7. Talk to your doc about testosterone

If your sex drive has cooled—thanks to hormone abnormalities or surgery—a testosterone cream may help rekindle your fire.
Testosterone is not just something your moody teenage son has in abundance. It’s important for women, too, because the hormone holds significant sway over your sex drive. As we age, our bodies produce less of the chemical; it usually tapers off gradually before menopause. (Testosterone levels for women in their 40s are about half of those of women in their 20s). Try applying a testosterone cream, such as AndroFeme, to skin on your lower body daily. Don’t use products for men, and don’t allow your pharmacist to compound a testosterone cream for you, warns Susan Davis, PhD, from Melbourne’s Monash University. “A pharmacist-created testosterone cream is an incredibly unreliable medication,” she says. A thorough consultation with your doctor is the only way to determine whether testosterone cream is right for you.
8. Keep It Simple

You don’t need three hours of mind-blowing bliss for a satisfying sex session.
Both men and women consider just seven to 13 minutes of lovemaking “desirable”, according to research from Pennsylvania State University in the US. To arrive at that number, researchers interviewed 34 of America’s top sex experts, who have collectively counselled thousands of people on the topic, and it turns out that men and women agree on this issue. (So it’s not just men who like a quickie.) In fact, most adults deem even shorter romps of three to seven minutes “adequate”, found the researchers.
9. Pop a Multi

Too tired to feel sexy? It may be a diet deficiency.
Two overlooked nutrients may be to blame for your sex-derailing exhaustion: low folate and low iron. Low folate is a common problem for Australian women; a deficiency of this B vitamin can lead to fatigue, weight loss and weakness. Similarly, low iron can leave you feeling flat and lethargic. The fix for both issues? A daily multivitamin with 18 mg iron and 0.4 mg folate. “Even though a multi isn’t a miracle pill for a better sex drive, it should help improve your energy overall,” says Kosterich.
10. Break a Sweat Beforehand

Exercise primes your body to get in the mood.
For some people, exercising too close to bedtime makes it hard for them to sleep. Take advantage of that newly found energy. “After 35 to 40 minutes of moderate exercise, everything in your body is going right,” says psychologist Janet Hyde, PhD, from the University of Wisconsin-Madison in the US. “Your blood is circulating and your nervous system is firing, so scheduling sex right after you exercise makes for good sex.”
11. Scent Your Way to Sex

These surprising smells will carry you from the kitchen to the bedroom.
Cucumber, licorice and baby powder have been shown to turn women on, increasing vaginal blood flow by 13 per cent. Lavender can also increase blood flow by 11 per cent. Try keeping a cucumber-scented sachet next to your pillow.
12. Just Do It!

So what if you’re not exploding with desire?
Studies show that many women who report a lack of interest in sex respond just fine once they get going. “Women assume that mental desire must precede physical arousal, and that if the desire isn’t there, they must dislike sex,” says marriage counsellor Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage ($34.95; Simon & Schuster). But for many women, that’s not true. The next time your partner approaches you, just do it, she says—see if the sparks fly. A common libido dampener for women who are years into a relationship lies in comparing their desire with the drive they felt in the early days of the union. “Don’t wait for fireworks,” Weiner-Davis says. “Work with the embers.” To help you get going, Hall suggests shopping for a sexy outfit, starting with lingerie that makes you feel flirty.

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