Monday 16 March 2015

Unhappy couple

No matter how much you and your spouse love each other, you will diagree on certain things from time to time.
Arguments are normal, but of course, if your relationship is punctuated with constant disagreement, then there may be a problem.
Below are seven major causes of arguments between couples:
  1. Sex: This is one of the most likely to be unexpressed, because bringing up the subject can make both parties self-conscious when they get in bed, and losing self-consciousness is what sex is all about. However, the differences can be summed up pretty simply. Either one partner wants more, or one partner wants less, or – in a worst-case scenario – both.
  2. Money: Who earns most? If you earn five times what your partner does, should you split it evenly with them? Is a joint account necessary? Do you need to explain yourself to your partner each time you spend money on anything at all?
  3. Relatives: Perhaps you like her sister a little too much. Or maybe your mother thinks she's not good enough for you. Or perhaps her father is a dickhead but she has failed to realise it and thinks he's a genius. The gap between your own perceptions of your family and your partner's is usually considerable. Also, the way your parents relate will have provided you with a template, consciously or unconsciously, for the way you relate. Truth is, there's no getting away from relatives, even when they're hundreds of miles away. If you are in a melded family, take all these difficulties and multiply them by 10.
  4. Blame game: One thing most of us are guilty of is that when things go wrong, we need someone to blame. We find the force of circumstance too threateningly random an explanation. Introverts blame themselves. Extroverts blame other people. This is why they often end up together.
  5. Tidiness/cleanliness: Never have there been two people who had exactly the same standards in these areas. To one person, the other will always be a slob. To the slob, the other will be a control freak. Accepting these differences and that there are limits to the amount that the other is capable of changing, is the secret of solving this conundrum. Or, on the other hand, arguing.
  6. Making decisions about the children: If you have a family, a large number of arguments are about the right way of bringing up the kids. In the past, it was the mother. Or the father, depending on which era you choose. Now it's anybody's guess. Of course one can try quiet, rational negotiation between two adults leading to a sensible mutual outcome. Or one can ask a magic fairy to intervene. Either are equally likely.
  7. False memory: Many arguments are not about the facts of what happened but how it is remembered. Everybody paints a pretty picture of the past in order to put themselves in the best light. So when it comes down to trying to work out what went wrong when you had a disagreement, it becomes very hard, as each party uses imagination to supplement memory – indeed, create memory. As therefore you can never quite agree on common facts, this is rich territory for conflict.


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