Friday, 3 April 2015

Disagreements are actually a habit we make that can be broken by looking at how silly the things we are arguing about really are. The way we treat each other not only affects the other person, it affects us too.
Here are some of the most common and silly things couples fight about and solutions on how to stop making mountains out of molehills so you can focus on loving each other instead of proving you’re right.
Alas, we are frequently finding ourselves bickering over minor things that could affectionately be labeled as first world problems. Let’s put our lives in perspective; find some gratitude and start treating each other like friends, not mortal domestic enemies.

1. I told you so

A lot of times the “I told you so” comment is just underlying vindictiveness. Why do either of us feel the need to say, ‘I told you the trash truck was coming today’ or ‘I knew that show came on at 6 not 6:30.’ If you’re bickering and using this phrase, let’s put it into perspective and just try to notice when we do it and we’ll probably see that our need to be right is actually quite comical.
For that matter, if he is doing it, try to find the humor in it instead of getting mad.


2. Your voice sounds different today, why are you so angry?

This is what we call looking for problems. If your boyfriend is tired or maybe his stomach isn’t feeling well, he just might sound a little different. You really can’t expect someone to sound perky 24-7. Maybe he’s stressed and the tone of his voice is giving it away a little bit.
Instead of looking to bring up something negative, try to be sensitive to him and do something to cheer him up! Compliment him in some way or just find a way to make him feel special. Positive energy is stronger than negative energy, and if something is bothering him, find a way to turn that frown upside down. Instead of focusing on a problem, focus on raising the vibe!

3. You’ve had how many past relationships?!

Do you both throw judgments at each other about past relationships? Think about this for a moment. First of all, do you really have the right to judge? They say when we judge someone it’s actually hurting ourselves and I fully believe this.
Let people be who they are and don’t chastise them, we are neither a judge nor a parent. We are a friend, remember? We are here to make their lives better, not make them feel guilty about their life experience. Hopefully, the understanding you show someone else will also be shown to you.
Many times people go through stages in their lives where they are looking for happiness outside of themselves and it leads to one failed relationship after another. They aren’t looking to fail, it happens because they need to learn. So cut them some slack, realize they’re only human and raise the vibe by maybe realizing they have had their heart broken too, and do what you can not to let that happen.

4. You got wasted!

Did your boyfriend pass out on the couch or spill something in the kitchen? Well, there certainly are bigger problems in the world. A simple approach like: “hey I’m kind of concerned your liver might shut down if you keep drinking like that” would be nicer and more productive than name calling.
If he’s coping with his problems by being a weekend warrior, maybe there’s something deeper he’s grappling with that you could help him with. Usually, when people drink to excess, there is something in their life they are trying mask because it’s hard to deal with.
If he’s making your life difficult because you’re worried about his safety or him making bad decisions, treat him like a friend and don’t make him feel judged. Just tell him you’re concerned and compassionately advise that he cut back. Fighting over something like this will not make it better, but really trying to help someone can.

5. You don’t care how I feel!

This accusatory statement is just fishing for a fight. Here’s another way you can say it, that probably wouldn’t cause an argument. “I’m feeling vulnerable and having trouble understanding my fear based thinking, would you be willing to help me try to figure out where this is coming from?”
Do you see how using your words in a more positive way, that isn’t attacking the other person, can get the same point across? It’s still asking for emotional support without making them feel bad.

6. Don’t tell me what to do!

How often do you remind each other about something, just trying to be helpful, and it blows up in your face? Maybe when you remind someone or make suggestions to them about doing something, phrase it differently, just say something like, “this is just an idea and you don’t have to do it, maybe it will be helpful and I’m really not trying to tell you what to do.”
When the other person feels like you care about them and you’re not trying to control them, they won’t get defensive. If either person becomes controlling, it can lead to little arguments. Remember what we have to be grateful for and just let the other person be themselves and give them your confidence that they can manage their own life. Don’t be a micromanager in a relationship.

7. I hate it when you do that!

Again, this all comes back to word choice. If it bothers you when he does something, try not to be overly reactive. Instead, think about how to phrase it in a lighthearted and funny way.
For example, if he always leaves his dishes for you to clean, which is rude but not really the end of the world, you could say, “I want to spend time with you today, but I might not be able to, because I’m still washing your dishes from Tuesday, my love.”
I think you get it, if you can bring in humor to the little things you’d like him to change, without attacking him; those little things won’t blow up into full blown fights. Try to just breathe and realize dishes are really not a big deal, right?

8. You forgot and you promised!

This has to do with expectations, and the better we can manage our expectations, the easier our relationships will be. Things change, and plans will always be changing. Unmet expectations are the source of many people’s tiffs, but if we can learn to roll with it, we will find things a lot easier. Be gentle when you remind them they said they were going to do something or their brain will tell them to get defensive.
The more you can focus on being present and just having a relaxed and loving vibe, the less uptight you will be about every single to do list item getting done or following a schedule to a T. Lighten up and see how much better your relationship gets!
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9. You should work out more!

This is always a touchy subject. If your partner is gaining weight and you want to bring it up, either because you’re concerned about their health or you’re just wondering why they’re not feeling motivated, try to be very gentle with your approach. Just as you wouldn’t want him to say, “You’re getting fat”, he doesn’t want to hear it either.
Invite him to exercise with you, cook healthy food, make sure there aren’t tempting junk food items inside the house, and recommend going to healthy restaurants. The best thing you can do is have compassion and lead by example, without being controlling. At least we have food, and can enjoy it!
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10. I can’t believe you did that then!

When we attack someone for something we can’t change, it just creates problems. Try saying something like, “what do you feel like you learned from that experience? That must have been really an intense time for you.” Then you are able to learn from their experience too without possibly scarring them by bringing up old wounds.
Try not to let their life experiences make you feel a certain way, remember, you wouldn’t want someone to judge you for a chapter in your life that you’re not proud of, and you shouldn’t do it to them.
Often those challenging times define a person and allow them to take a turn for the better. Most people are going to have been through some serious stuff if they are a strong person. Just think about how those life obstacles made them stronger and that’s cool.

11. You don’t put any effort into the relationship

If you feel like you’re the one trying to be romantic and spend time together, maybe you should just focus on some other hobbies and focus on yourself for a while. Sometimes we do lose sight of our own identities in a relationship because we get so, shall I say, obsessed with being with the other person.
If he’s showing you he needs some space, be cool with it and take advantage of it to do things you want to do! Make friends or hang out with your friends, and maybe your relationship will balance out.

12. You’d rather hang out with your boys

This type of comment only leads to arguments. If you guilt him for spending time with his friends, he’s going to feel stifled. Instead, why not encourage him to do what he loves and what he’s passionate about so you can do the same. Any comments where you feel like you’re being needy are only going to push him away further.
Get some hobbies and get involved with things and you’ll be glad when he does take time with the boys. If you have too much time on your hands, it might seem like he’s not that into you; but really, it might be more about you. Just be confident in yourself and keep doing the things you love.
Don’t put too much thought into how much time you spend together and realize your life is awesome. Focus on the positive and don’t fight about problems that aren’t problems. He’s not hurting anyone and friendships are important, don’t you think so?

13. My clock is ticking

Oh, the sticky children timing topic. This brings up all different kinds of anxieties about finances and the future. Having children should be a mutual decision, and you shouldn’t be aggressive in your approach.
Saying something along the lines of “I’d be honored if you would be the father of my child, and I would love to share the experience of bringing in a new life to this earth with you” is a lot less aggressive than saying your clock is ticking. Still, it’s important to ask him how he feels about it, why he might be hesitant, and respect his feelings.
If you’re tracking your cycle and trying to get pregnant, don’t become obsessive about it, because it will kill the vibe for him. Keep the intimacy and don’t lose sight of fun for the sake of trying to have children.

14. Make up your mind

Here is the typical comment thrown out when you’re both ‘starving’, blood sugar is low and you’re trying to decide what to eat. Let’s throw in some gratitude and realize this is not something to fight over. If you have money to eat and options on what to eat, that’s a gift. We should never mistreat someone over something so trivial.
If your little arguments are over small decisions, try to exercise patience and be more loving. Let them decide because you want them to enjoy the meal and you want to have good memories with them. If you’re fed up with them not being able to make up their mind, it’s really just that you’re not reacting well.
Try to respond with patience and a happy attitude even if something starts to get under your skin. Think about if it’s really a big deal before you say something, and you’ll avoid a lot of little arguments.

15. You came home late

Ah, the distrustful comment about getting home late. Since when were you the bedtime police? Last time I checked, we are all adults, and we really shouldn’t be scolding someone over something like this. Life is beautiful, so if they want to play music till wee hours of the night, encourage them to find their creativity, don’t stifle it by accusing them of being irresponsible.
Try to not consider bad things they may have been doing and give them your trust. Just be cool and if you don’t pester them and allow them freedom, they won’t feel like running away from you to find someone else.

16. Why is someone texting you so much?

It’s really ok for your boyfriend to have friends of the opposite sex. If they are going to be an emotionally sensitive man, they will most likely have many. Men learn by communicating with women, so try to be confident and realize that just because he talks to someone, doesn’t mean he’s interested in them romantically.
Think about the men you talk to, that you’re not interested in, and realize how silly you’re being. Encourage him to have female friends and make sure you spend time apart. You should both have other friendships and deep friendships so you can grow and share that growth with your friends. Don’t look for problems because you’re insecure, shake it off and focus on being nice.


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