When to Use, When to Lose—Cell Phones in a Social World

image:universityofcalifornia.edu
culled from:modernmanners.com

By now you would think the cell phone would have lost its talent to annoy, but it hasn’t. A young friend was married recently, and one of her and her new husband’s New Year’s resolutions was to give grown-up dinner parties at their new apartment at least once a month. They hosted the first one a few weeks ago, and some of their guests carried their phones to the dinner table (or, in the best case, tucked them into their purses under their chairs) and discreetly checked them all evening. They even fired off a few responses between courses. “I understand phones have become part of our lives,” she said. “But in private life I think—I hope—it should be different. I was angry and couldn’t think of anything to say sweetly, so I didn’t. What could I have done?”
Well, the truth of the matter is, that in this day and age, the phone is an extension of our being; it’s with us everywhere—weddings, funerals, the dentist, and even in bed. Maybe you’ve heard Jerry Seinfeld’s routine about the night he turned to talk to his wife Jessica and found her cell phone on the pillow instead? But while it’s part of our lives, it doesn’t mean there should not be some ground rules and kind manners one follows in polite society.

There’s a wonderful book called The Digital Diet, by Daniel Sieberg, in which he talks about how to attain healthful zero connectivity. In fact, he predicts that the next big thing in destination travel will be finding what you might call cold spots where you can disconnect. At your next party, leave a copy on your coffee table as a big hint and great conversation starter—perhaps bookmark it on page 48 where, in bold, you’ll find the question, in comparison with your phone life: “How are your face to face relations with loved ones?”
But before you take any action—so you can be clear about your motives and always strike the right tone—ask yourself what about this antisocial behavior upsets you most—and perhaps, more importantly, if you have ever been guilty of the same infraction in the past. In the case of cell phones, aren’t we upset because the message we get from the person texting away is that he, or she, would rather be elsewhere or has more compelling things to do than be with us? I suppose in some cases, the offenders really don’t know, or don’t appreciate, that a social gathering is an agreement to share an experience on the group level, not a continuation—except in a new location—of the time one enjoys on one’s own. But for most others, cell phones, used beyond their utility, are just a bad habit. They’re the new cigarettes. Back in the day, everyone lit up whenever they wanted, even in hospitals. Social policy eventually changed all that.

So how can we help our friends (and ourselves) break their phone addictions? One way is to be very direct. You might borrow from Hugh Jackman who, when phones go ringing in the theater while he is performing, is known to stop, leave character, fix his gaze and say from the stage: “Don’t be embarrassed, just grab it.” (At dinner or drinks you would say: “Don’t be embarrassed. I’ll wait.” And then wait.) Of course the person Jackman singles out melts with hot shame as would, or should, anyone you address at your party.

The filmmaker Maggie Betts prefers something softer. She has found that “saying something like ‘Is everything okay? Is it something urgent?’ drops the hint that if the call or text isn’t then they’re being very rude and better put the thing away.” Vie Luxe’s Marjorie Gubelmann gets her point across by addressing the children at a gathering (“You know we don’t bring our phones to the table!”) when really she means her message for the adults. At cocktail parties, where one is standing (not sitting) together, the Los Angeles fundraiser Elizabeth Wiatt suggests gently withdrawing from the phone-centric and leading by example. “I only chat with people who are actually attending the same party!” Or try this, something I once watched a friend do with a famous captain of industry, although it requires the skill of a geisha, or the easy humor of a Poppy Delevingne: Graciously pluck the phone from the hand of the offender and whisper in his ear to avoid calling too much attention to the situation. You say: “Let me hold that for you until you’ve finished your dinner. It’s delicious and I’d hate for you if it got cold.”
Vogue Contributing Editor and Moda Operandi cofounder Lauren Santo Domingo acknowledges that cell-phone use is a no-no in a social setting, but adds that it also is a question of familiarity. “When sitting with one of my best friends, it goes without saying that after a few minutes we will both take out our phones to check them.” Even then, good manners are also good fashion. “The solution is clear, literally. It’s all about Lucite,” says Santo Domingo. “I have a few Lucite bags—one from Vionnet and the other from Charlotte Olympia. A brief glance at my clutch and I can see exactly who an incoming call was from or even preview a new text without even touching my phone.”