culled from:http://www.lifehack.org
Why are people so unsympathetic when their friends or
loved ones suffer from depression? The main reason is that depression is
very difficult to fully understand. Another reason is that there is a
stigma attached to being depressed. Even though we live in a society
which seems to revolve around physical well-being and being upbeat, we
don’t want to be reminded of the other side. We want to forget
depression exists. A person with cancer is likely to get a lot more
support than a person suffering from depression.
It’s even worse when friends and relatives give some
advice which does not help at all. The sad fact is that these opinions
reflect an appalling ignorance about this mental illness. No, depression
was not invented for Big Pharma, like some sort of conspiracy. This
illness affects 350 million people worldwide. It causes enormous
suffering and is a contributory factor in death by suicide. The alarming
fact is that less than 50% of patients will seek treatment, mainly because of ignorance and apathy.
Here are 20 pieces of advice which are pretty useless
when you are trying to help a loved one suffering from depression. Do
not use these phrases if you’re trying to be sympathetic. They may have
the opposite effect than desired.
1. You should snap out of it
If you suffer from depression, I bet you envy how simple snapping out of it
would be! This is not just a temporary blip on your sadness/happiness
scale. It is debilitating, to the point where you cannot even get out of
bed in the morning. You find it difficult to summon up enough energy.
Motivation is beyond your capabilities.
If you note these symptoms in a friend, make sure that
she or he gets diagnosed and treated. Especially if these feelings last
more than two weeks. Symptoms will vary enormously. You may notice
hopelessness, appetite and sleep problems. The important thing is to get
a diagnosis.
2. Other people are far worse off, you know
This is not going to help a person solve their
problems! The depressed person just needs a person to be there and give
support. You do not have to say anything if that embarrasses you.
However, you can also tell the person that they can get better and that
you will be there to support them.
3. Life is tough
This will probably reinforce how bad the depressed
person is feeling, rather than help them. You could help them more by
saying that you feel empathy for them and are willing to help them get
through it. Treatment may take the form of medication and/or
psychotherapy.
4. You have to get on with it
This sends the wrong message. It reinforces the sense
of isolation that a depressed person feels. The best way to help them is
by sending texts or just phoning them to let them know there is someone
who cares. Susan Serani’s book, Living with Depression provides excellent examples of practical ways to help.
5. You are too introspective
The implication here is that depression really is a
minor problem. You’ll come across as being judgemental and critical. The
best way to show affection and love is to avoid statements like these
which isolate the individual even more.
6. You are far too sensitive
This belittles the depressed person because they will
think that their illness is being regarded as a character flaw and
nothing else. A much better approach would be to take the person out for
a walk. You can try and encourage them to get out and do something
every day.
7. Life goes on
“Living with depression is like living with a 40 ton
weight on your chest — you want to get up and move, but you just feel
like you can’t.” – from an anonymous individual suffering from
depression.
Telling a depressed patient that life goes on anyway
will appear like brushing the whole thing under the carpet. It will
appear that you are not really concerned at all.
8. Just go out and enjoy yourself
Suggesting fun times does not help at all, unless you
are prepared to accompany your depressed friend and encourage them to
try to take baby steps every day. Lending support means being there, or
at least phoning to remind them that they have to do “X” today and “Y”
tomorrow.
9. Aches and pains are just normal
A strange thing about depression is how often the
condition is diagnosed by patients experiencing physical aches and
pains, rather than mood and motivation problems. Encourage them to get a
diagnosis and offer your help.
10. You have got so many things to be grateful for
The depressed patient does not want to hear about
gratitude. Their main worry is that the sheer exhaustion and loss of
interest will become permanent. It is always a good idea to remind the
suffering individual that treatment can be effective. Depression need
not last forever.
11. Cheer up
My uncle used to tell my depressed aunt to, “Cheer
up”. The effect was just the opposite. It actually made her cry even
more. His total misunderstanding of her condition was not helpful at
all.
12. You’re strong, you will be fine
Yes, some people are strong and may have even coped with despondency or despair. If you are depressed, you may feel that your life means nothing to anyone else out there. Again, just listening can be reassuring for the person with depression.
13. You should stop feeling sorry for yourself
This suggests that the depressed person has a rather
weak personality and is flawed in some way. A much more helpful response
would be to actually sitting down and listening to the depressed
person’s problems and feelings.
14. You should take vitamins for your stress
An offer of an over-the-counter cure will not help at
all, as you are not really qualified. It is much better to urge the
sufferer to get treatment and to offer to accompany them, or help them
seek a specialist.
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