A Step By Step Guide on Starting a Conversation with a Guy

culled from:http://youqueen.com


by Mary Girgis
You walk into a pub and there, leaning up against the bar, is perhaps the most handsome man you have ever seen. Just the way the light bounces off his hair, the way he holds himself, you must, no you need, to speak to him. But here comes the conundrum. How do you approach this amazing specimen of a human being? Well, I’m here to show you how to start a conversation with a guy, so follow my lead.
Firstly, there are two things you need to consider. Do you know him? Is he an acquaintance, or will this be your very first encounter. What is the setting? Is he alone or in a group? Let’s start of easy then move on to the hard stuff.

What to do if you know him

Knowing this guy, let’s call him Ted, comes with advantages and disadvantages. You can ask mutual friends about his likes and dislikes, so that you have some ideas about what to say to him. You can also use your frequent crossing of paths to muster up the courage needed to strike up that decent first conversation.
On the other hand, there is some bad news. When you already know someone, even if it’s a hi/bye relationship, they still have an idea of who you are and it probably isn’t accurate. Although you don’t have to break the ice, you do want to rebrand yourself, so that you’re cast in a better and more intriguing light.
The idea is to be very casual about how you start this conversation. Wait until the perfect moment, where you perfectly slot in.

If he is by himself

Talking to someone is so much easier when they are on their own, although it can be daunting because their entire focus is then directed at you.
The first thing you have to do is observe. Is Ted insanely busy and focused or is he mulling around and looking bored. Don’t disturb him if he is busy, you don’t want to risk making a bad impression. For example, say you’re at work and he’s having his lunch break, approach him then.
The idea is to be causal and to have no goals; all you want right now is to have a brief conversation. Start off by saying hi and then make a statement about how you think he’s feeling or what he’s doing. So back to the lunch example, it would go something like this.
You: “Hi, Ted. What are you having for lunch?”
Ted: “Hey Mary, oh just a tuna sandwich.”
You: “Haha I see that you’re the adventurous type.”
Ted: “Haha yeah.”
You: “Well, I’ll leave you to it.”
Then you leave the room or go back to your desk.
See how the conversation trailed off and you didn’t fight it. You want to leave just before the conversation comes to a standstill. The idea is to keep them wanting more, to become almost enigmatic, a mystery to be solved.
Start these short conversations every 3 or 4 days, while still keeping them very short, you are mimicking how organic relationships develop. You have to resist the urge to just linger and force a deep and meaningful conversation. It’s not going to happen and you’re going to look bad in the process.
You also have to remember that if you’ve been starting these brief conversations and he’s not starting any in return or it’s just not going anywhere, then it’s time to reduce these conversations even further. I know what you’re thinking, “isn’t that counter intuitive?” No, it’s not. You want him to respond. One of two things will happen when you reduce your conversations:

1. Good news: He will start the conversations instead. You will then know that he is interested. Then you and Ted will develop an organic relationship. Don’t think too much about it, you two will naturally talk to each other and this will increase in frequency and depth. Congratulations you’re in!
2. Bad news: He will do nothing. This could be because he’s simply not interested or he’s incredibly shy. You determine which one he is by his interactions with other people. Is he engaging in conversation with new people or are other people constantly starting the conversations. I would keep this reduced interaction for a few weeks, and then, if nothing comes of it, even though you’re always starting the conversation, I would say it’s time to move on. There are plenty of fish in the see and you’re worth someone having a proper conversation with you.

If he’s in a group

This can be quite hard as you have to be invited into the group. First, see if you know anyone in the group, if you do, just walk up to that person and say hi, this should include you in the group discussion. Just walking up to the group and staring at them is not going to get you anywhere.
You can stand there for 1 minute max and then you have to force yourself into the conversation. Yes, this is really awkward, but when someone replies to you and the conversation goes on, that awkwardness goes away. If the conversation doesn’t go on, don’t try to force it. Just leave and save face. You can try again later.
If you don’t know anyone in that group, then it gets even trickier. You have to judge whether it’s better to just wait and catch him when he’s alone, yes that does sound super creepy but it works! If you walk by and they’re having a conversation about a topic that you know a lot about, then politely interrupt and say your piece. It should go something like this:
“Oh hey, I just heard that you guys were talking about whether pink elephants exist. I watched a documentary where they actually found one, it was so cool.”
From there two things may happen. They can include you in the conversation or they may just awkwardly stare at you. If it’s the former, then you’re in and have fun. If it’s the latter then it’s time to get out of there, never try to save an awkward conversation when you’re on your own.
Another tip you could use is to rope your poor defenseless friends into your conversation starting mission. Both of you could insert yourself into that group discussion on pink elephants a lot easier.
If it does become awkward, then you can throw your friend under the bus and they can take the brunt of the awkwardness… I’m joking (not really, nature is cruel). Also don’t try to insert yourself into the conversation if you know nothing about the topic, don’t fake it, you’ll look desperate.

You don’t know him

This situation can be a little bit more nerve wreaking, because you can’t just start off the conversation in a familiar environment or about a topic that you know the both of you are interested in. There’s no proverbial water cooler to stand around to gather classified information about your current target (harsh, I know).
Start off with something light. You want to ease yourself into their space, while still making them feel comfortable. Slowly approach them and tap them on the arm (the shoulder is too pushy and formal), then smile and say something to the effect of “Hey, I saw you sitting alone and I thought I could keep you company, my name is …”
You tailor your introduction based on what you’re reading from the environment and situation. Naturally, you wouldn’t say the above if he was sitting with a group of people or if he’s your bank teller.
Let’s assume you meet him for the first time in a pub. After you’ve introduced yourself, gauge his response. Is he looking you up and down and your fantasy man has turned into a sleaze ball? If so, I say retreat, your instincts were off. If he pursues you, you have two options depending on what you’re comfortable with.

1. You tell him the truth: Tell him that you misread the situation and that you’re actually not interested. Then brace yourself with comments like “Well, I think you’re ugly,” something weak and pathetic like that.
2. You lie: Apologize and say that you thought he was your blind date, but you were mistaken.

However, if he treats you with respect then it’s game on. He will then reply by introducing himself and the conversation will ensue. Talk about soft topics, nothing too controversial or political. You want him to like you first before you let all your ideologies be known, that way he’s in too much ‘like’ to just up and leave when you two initially disagree.
If he does up and go, then it’s his loss. Remember, even if it’s your first meeting; don’t compromise your ideologies just to keep him, especially if he says something really controversial. The idea is to just not make your ideologies the focus of this conversation.
Some safe topics to talk about:

1. What they do for work
2. What they’re doing on the weekend
3. Any hobbies you two have
4. If he had super powers what would they be

Be sure to ask open ended questions; don’t ask yes or no questions, you want to keep the conversation going. If you do reach an awkward pause, just smile and ask him one of the questions from above. If you’ve already exhausted all these topics, then it’s time to leave, this conversation has ended.
You remember what I said about leaving just before a conversation ends and remaining mysterious. Take his number and leave, then text or call after a couple of days and let the conversation flow from there, ask him to meet you when you’re ready.

If he’s in a group

At the risk of sounding like a stalker, it’s best if you wait for him to be alone. Wait until he gets up to get the next round of drinks and go up to the bar and introduce yourself. Smile and say something like, “Hey, I see you’re a fan of (insert drink).” Just keep it simple and light. Chat while he’s waiting for his drinks, and if you make an impression, he’ll either deliver the drinks and then come back, or he’ll invite you to their table.
If he doesn’t come back, don’t take it to heart, not all things are meant to be. We’ll talk about how to handle rejection later on.

Golden rules for any conversation

Starting a conversation is not very hard and once you’ve mastered the ability to small talk, you will never have to wait for a guy to make the first move. You can always be self-reliant and make that game changing first play.
All you have to do to start an effective conversation is make a comment about them or their situation, people tend to be mini narcissists and they love hearing about themselves.
But the biggest golden rule of all is that you need to have self-confidence, confidence is everything. You need to wear it as a second skin, you need to ooze confidence. But how to acquire it, you ask? That’s easy.

Confidence attracts

Remind yourself that one situation does not define you, and that all you’re doing is simply talking to someone. It’s nothing more than that.
You can use a mantra: pick a phrase that increases your confidence and self-esteem. Something like, “I can do this, I am amazing.” Then say this phrase over and over again until you believe it. When you do, make your move.
The way you hold your body also impacts your confidence. Hold your head up high and pull your shoulders back. If you can find a quiet place, like the bathroom, go there and place your feet shoulder width apart and put your hands on your hips. Hold this stance for a couple minutes. Your body then responds by making you feel confident and dominate.
These are all high confidence poses.
You can also find some discussions about these power poses.

Read the situation and adapt

There is no good universal opening line. They’re all lame and unnervingly cheesy. Observe the person you want to talk to, are they bored, happy, sad? Their mood is important to how you approach them.
For example, if you’re at work and they look bored, say something like “Hey Ted how are you, you look bored *sigh* I’m really bored too.” Remember that sometimes the best thing to do is to not start a conversation at all and wait for another time.

What if I get rejected, it’s better to just wait for him to talk to me

So what, we’ve all experienced rejection. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all a matter of perspective, think of rejection as simply the opportunity to explore other experiences and situations.
Maybe there’s something better around the corner. Remember you are a strong, independent woman; a man’s rejection does not in any way lower your self-worth.
Back to the real world situation, you need to remember that chatting up a man won’t always get you anywhere. It is inevitable that one day someone turns you down, either because they’re seeing someone or because they are simply not interested. Although the latter is the hardest to experience you just have to remember that Ted is not the be all and end all. There will be other Teds.