What Is an Open Relationship: How Do You Define It?

culled from:http://youqueen.com/

Previously, people thought open relationships were just for commitment phobic people but new perspectives on open relationships could offer a smart way to start a committed relationship or not get too involved with someone prematurely.
Definitions can be misleading and they can also be dead on. Sometimes though, it depends on the context and who you ask. An open relationship might mean something different in different parts of the world. If you date someone from another country, it’s important to realize that they might not categorize the stages of dating at all in the way you do.
Just because you may say we are “talking” or now we are “dating” they might literally have no idea what you think that means. In order to avoid miscommunications, it’s good to be clear about things so both people feel comfortable.
But let’s cut to the chase; are there any redeeming qualities to an open relationship? Is it a sure fire way to get your heart ripped out and stepped on? I thought so until I really thought about what a relationship can be and how many people fall into the traps of getting involved with people they hardly know too fast. What if it could help reduce heart break? Stay with me on this one…

What is an open relationship? Let’s look at what it stands for first

The most conventional ‘open’ relationship is what most people think. It’s a non-monogamous relationship. The range of physical openness will vary depending on the couple and what they are comfortable with in this type of open relationship.
The next type (remember it depends on who you ask) can be one where there is an interest but they don’t want to complicate things too quickly and so they decide to hang out to see how they communicate and learn more about each other. At this point, they have not decided to go to the next level of commitment or get involved physically because they are patiently waiting for Father Time to see how the other person deals with what life throws at them.
In that light, you might be thinking, well that almost sounds smart. What if you had rejected someone nice that had asked to have an open relationship? Did you take time to really ask them what they meant by it?
Have you ever had a relationship where you wish you would have asked a few more questions or seen them respond to a few more situations before you got involved with them physically? I know people that will hang out for six months to a year with someone, just getting to know them. There’s a lot to be said for patience.
You don’t really know someone until you see them deal with different types of problems. You have to see how they handle stress, holidays, job loss, job promotion, and other things. You have to see if they are consistent and if the person they claim to be is a lie or the real deal.
If you are looking for a lasting relationship, you probably want to know a lot about a person, know what irritates you about them, and see if you can handle it before moving in or getting engaged. I mean, there are a lot of different types of people out there, and the older I get, the more preferences I develop.
I can only assume that to be fair to the other person, I should also give them time to get to know me and see if they could be happy with me too. As adults, we have to be realistic and look at our goals. If they don’t line up and we aren’t willing to budge on them, even if we are nice people, we have to decide on what choices we are going to make sometimes.

Is this a progressive response to oppression?

Women have, historically, given their goals up for men. Not in all cultures, and not in all parts of history. If you’ve read my other articles, you can tell I’m a feminist but I’m also an equalist. I have a hunch that open relationships are a cultural trend that is a direct result of oppressive relationships where people felt emotionally stifled or controlled.
It’s still pretty recent that women passed men in the number of college attendees and became more active in the workforce right? This is sort of like the person who finds out processed food is bad for them and tries to eat 100% raw food but still finds pitfalls and gets malnourished.
It’s a swing in the other direction, no pun intended. It’s really people that are fed up with emotionally dead relationships, they want honesty, they want to be excited about their relationship and mostly they don’t want to be controlled. I’m not saying you have to be in an open relationship if you’re a feminist and I don’t think men that prefer open relationships are mostly feminists, although some of them are.
Just as in patriarchy, power struggles boil down to the ego asking to be the most important thing. What we need to ask ourselves is, is it more important to be in control in a relationship, be successful in your career, or to know that when you die, you treated people with decency and earned their respect?
I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer here. Is there a way people can feel secure, excited, and free in a monogamous relationship? If you choose a partner with a controlling personality, you won’t feel free. If you hate your job or are not emotionally ready to treat someone right, you won’t feel excited about your relationship.
If you are completely honest with someone, you are more likely to trust them. In this light, it’s not about whether or not you have an open or closed relationship, it’s more about whom you choose, how emotionally aware you are, and how settled you feel in your life outside your relationship. Much of our excitement about our relationships comes from within us and projects onto the other person.

Why do people still call it a relationship?

A relationship has all different types of meanings to different people. Depending on how liberal or conservative you are, sometimes the term is used for a companion.
Sometimes when people get older and they’ve been married once or twice, they don’t see the reason to get married again, but they like having a companion and a best friend to relate to and have fun with. A lot of it boils down to goals. If you no longer are looking to buy your dream home, have children and travel the world, perhaps relationships, or the way we relate to each other, also can shift.
The way society defines relationships sometimes doesn’t suit the needs of a person and an open relationship is one of those terms that is an umbrella for many different types of relating to another person.
Sometimes, relating to someone is more about learning about yourself and having a companion, than it is about seduction that’s leading up to the big day with a ring. Is one person more ‘right’ than the other? When does an open relationship start hurting people? If someone is unaware or hasn’t agreed to the stipulations the other person is acting according to, that can lead to problems.
Therefore, it’s best to always be, no pun intended, open about what you require from your partner. You should never feel pressured to be in an open physical relationship if you do not want to be.
No matter how good looking he may be, if he is looking to climb the social ladder and keep his options open, he’s not worth your time anyway darling!

Open relationship rules

Okay ladies, here’s the deal: If a guy says, “You can only be with me and I can be with whomever I want,” you might think he’s joking right? Well you need to find out if he’s serious because this cultural phenomenon has actually caught on with different age groups. Some people have developed a strong spiritual basis for having an open relationship and it needs to be specified so you know if that is what you want as well.
It often happens that people that are following tantric yoga practices believe in free love. That doesn’t mean they are bad people, what it means is you have to be very clear with expressing your belief systems before getting involved with someone who doesn’t have a problem with open relationships.
In some of the conversations I have had with friends about open relationships, we have debated whether it is natural to be attracted to more than one person. We debated whether our species is naturally monogamous or if that opposes our most basic nature. That is for each person to decide by themselves.
The interesting thing about open relationships is that instead of people lying and covering up doing something that breaks the rules of conventional relationships, they are completely open and honest with each other about flirting or hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing.
On the one hand, it’s refreshing to have that level of openness and honesty, but on the other, why can’t you also have that in a regular relationship? No matter what the rules are, open or closed, a good one and the one worth your time requires honesty and forthrightness from both sides. Otherwise, animosity, resentment and toxic emotions brew into a smelly foul fetid mess that begs to be thrown out. Catch my drift?

What you need to know before getting into an open “relationship”

Tantric yoga, as taught by gurus such as Osho, is followed by many kind and intelligent people. But remember, open relationships are not for everyone, and if you’ve been used to monogamous relationships, it might be very hard for you to warm up to the idea and it may be hard to not become jealous or hurt.
Make sure you research the history behind this before you jump into it, so you know if you agree with it and can handle it. For some free spirited people, this is a more desirable way of relating and for some free spirited people it’s not.
If by any chance you are the one looking for an open relationship, you don’t want to really hurt someone or make them angry, remember that you need to be very clear with them beforehand. Guys are sensitive too and let’s be honest, no one like surprises.
The mature and kind thing to do is to talk about these things upfront. Please realize that there are many people in today’s day and age that do believe in open relationships and just because it’s different doesn’t mean we have to condemn it. But I would recommend asking upfront what they expect in a relationship, and if they aren’t being honest with you, they probably aren’t being honest with themselves either, and may not be ready for a relationship.
Don’t try to force someone into an open relationship if they seem hesitant ladies. He or she will probably never be happy in one. If they are not really excited about it, you’re just going to hurt them. Be fair, okay?
Relationships create lasting memories and can be hard to get over if they start or end on a bad note. Do yourself a favor, be upfront with your partner and require the same from them. Define what type of an open relationship you are talking about (remember some people define it differently).
Finally, think about how you might feel before you get into an open relationship. If someone tries to coerce you into one and you feel uneasy, listen to your gut feelings and make sure you don’t bite off more than you can chew.
We know relationships can be tough and we strive to make the information actually useful in this magazine, so thanks for reading ladies. Please comment below if you want to state your opinions on this topic, and check out my other articles for some grounded advice.