What Women Want: an Assessment of Pick-Up Techniques

culled from:http://youqueen.com

by Maria Montgomery

The Game

It’s been years since I first heard about a book called The Game, which was rumored to be the book about how to pick up women. I was introduced to it by my best friend as “scary because it really works.” I remember my best friend saying something about “the guy, when first meeting you, starting with saying something negative about you and that it works better than a compliment.”
She talked about The Game because a friend had read it, applied what he had read and succeeded. It piqued my curiosity and for some reason I remember the conversation till this day – about five years later.
A few weeks ago I was commissioned to write a video game for men about dating, teaching them how to pick up women by creating various scenarios and dialogue for them to choose from. This is when I finally picked up The Game.
That’s also when I came to realize I actually dated one of the guys who are in the same book, albeit very, very briefly. My best friend who introduced me to the book years ago also ended up dating someone from that circle, though for a lot longer. Funny how life works, isn’t it?
So what did I think when reading the book? It’s brilliant. It explains how to use pick-up techniques that work; it also explains the shortfall and dangers of getting too involved in “the game.” It gives an honest assessment about how a great skill can prove dangerous if used maliciously and how it can prove great if used correctly.
So let’s have a look at the good, the bad and the ugly about PUA techniques and how you can apply the good bits, even as a woman.

The entire world’s a stage and all the men and women are mainly players

I always used to say (in fact I still do) that I prefer dating players. Why? They genuinely enjoy women and know how to flirt. They are confident and up for a good time. They know how to treat you in a way that is going to make you feel good.
You could call them bad boys, but usually, they aren’t, because there is no pretense about what they want. Women tend to fall in love with them though, which is where problems arise and why they are labeled as “bad.” Most of them eventually settle down, but before they do, they may have accidentally broken a heart or two.
Of course, there are genuine bad boys as well, who care nothing about women, and are cold as ice. They lie about their intentions and abuse whatever knowledge they have about making women fall for them, or have sex with them.

The not so playful players

Going out to bars and night clubs, sometimes just walking down the street, I’ve experienced everything from men grabbing my behind to leaving notes in my handbag. I have had guys offer to take me on vacation (within five minutes of conversation) or try to impress me by showing me their ridiculously expensive table in a nightclub.
I’ve even had guys spending thousands of dollars in a club trying to impress me. Usually though, you get some guy walking up to you, looking petrified, and giving you a compliment or awkwardly trying to instigate a conversation.
The ‘’grabbing’’ or ‘’note leaving’’ are techniques that are plain crazy (unless the note is extraordinary). Trying to show off by spending money (often when they don’t have any) is ridiculous. It’s like screaming “I have no confidence, so I will let my money make up for it.”
The insecure guys walking up to you will make you freak out as you feel like someone is desperately trying to join your party. With that desperation it is clear they haven’t read you – they have no clue whether you are interested or not, so chances are they will just try with all their might to cling onto you to make you want them.
So when they show up you fear you either won’t get rid of them all night, or you will hurt their feelings by letting them know you aren’t interested (and clearly subtle hints won’t work as they haven’t read your signals). Either way, it’s uncomfortable.

The confident ones

Really confident guys, on the other hand, will usually try to establish if you have an interest in them. They’ll check you out a few times to see if you respond by checking them out in return. And when they come over they are still checking – not leaping onto you like a leech. They are comfortable knowing they will find a woman, whether it be you or someone else.
If you turn them down they won’t be mortified. Having a conversation with them is easy, because they aren’t afraid of you. They don’t need your approval, so they are just having a good time chatting with you. They know their own worth and you will feel that, so instead of them working to get your attention, you find yourself suddenly working to keep their attention.
There is no pressure on you to like them and if it turns out you don’t, you can walk away, as opposed to being stuck with them all night just so as to avoid hurting their feelings.
The confident guys are usually confident because they’ve been hanging out with enough women to be totally comfortable in their presence. They easily get women and, therefore, have been with enough women to know they can get a woman.
They have nothing to prove – whether they are looking for a fling, a one night stand, or a girlfriend, they are comfortable in their own shoes. These are the kind of guys women adore. And often they are players until the day they decide to settle down.

What women want

Women want confident men who can show them a good time. As soon as a man knows his own worth, you know he won’t sell himself short – he isn’t just out to “get whatever he can get,” he only goes for what he wants. He doesn’t let a woman control what he thinks of himself, or the decisions he makes. At the same time he is showing a girl a good time – he talks to her, entertains her, has a laugh with her, listens to her, and seeks to understand her… He’s engaging in the conversation and the time they are spending together as opposed to obsessing about what she’s thinking about him. He’s there. He’s relaxed.
All that nonsense about trying to impress a woman… It’s not necessary. She wants to have a good time with someone who is fully present when with her, and attentive to her needs without sacrificing his own.
A man who has a good social life, a career he enjoys, a body he looks after, a mind he develops and is loving to those around him, whilst remaining confident and not giving up on his own life to accommodate others is impressive. That’s impressive without him having to talk about all his cash, or his smarts, or his athletic achievements.

What’s attraction?

The way I see it, there are three kinds of deep attraction- the kind that goes beyond being attracted to a hunky guy with confidence who can show you a good time.
The first is where we are attracted to traits similar to our own, dating someone with a similar personality, who enjoys the same things we do.
The second is what our self-image is attracted to- we choose to hang out with the men who treat us the way we subconsciously perceive ourselves (abused women often end up dating one abusive man after another because they don’t see their own self-worth).
The third kind of deep attraction, and in my opinion, the true one, is a true heart and soul connection. Usually, the closer you live to your own heart, the more your personality and self-awareness become a reflection of who you truly are. Therefore, the more likely you are to attract a man who is what your heart desires, not your brain.
Your brain might think you deserve a loser because in your childhood you were bullied – these are learned thoughts about self, not a true perception of self. However, that learned perception of self might be what you are acting out every day. If you think you are a loser, for example, you might become so shy you can’t speak around others, therefore, you won’t connect easily with others, continuously reaffirming you are a loser, even though you aren’t one.
Why am I talking about attraction? Because I am proving a point when it comes to pick-up skills- they will only take you so far. Deep attraction goes way beyond that. Anyone can have a good time with you for a night, but if you have nothing in common with them, it won’t last. And if you are living true to your heart and soul, you will see beyond someone’s charms to their heart, and acknowledge whether there is a real connection there, or not.
If, on the other hand, you are seeking acknowledgement from men to make up for your own insecurities, a pick-up artist can play you very easily. They will probably give you genuine compliments, but those compliments would apply to a lot of people.

A relationship beyond attraction

You might have a heart and soul connection with someone, but pretty soon you discover this person has no interest in learning about what would please their partner. Just as someone, who is a painter in their heart, needs to learn how to paint, so should someone who is genuinely in love learn how to treat their partner to succeed in maintaining a good relationship with them.
A pick-up artist knows how to do this for a night- how to make you feel good in his presence in a short term. You need a man who knows how to do it for a lifetime.

So what about those Pick-up artists?

Well, those pick-up artists have figured out women want a good time with a guy who is naturally impressive and doesn’t need them to feel good about himself. So what they suggest is to do exactly what one of those naturally confident guys would do, without being all that confident when they first start out. They’ve decoded women to a certain extent.
Now, you can say that this is unethical- someone has taken the time to figure out what makes women become more attracted to men, and they could abuse that knowledge. All men are trying to pick-up women though, these guys have just figured out how to do it in a way that works. I give them kudos for that.
Some of these guys have no confidence, and they will use their pick-up skills to try to validate themselves (picking up any girl they can, whether they are genuinely attracted to her or not). They can potentially end up in a harmful pattern where they can’t stop picking up girls, as they need the validation all the time.
So, if they end up in a relationship with someone, it will probably not be a happy one. They’ve pulled a magic trick, but it turns out they are no magician after all, so their relationship started off with a lie.
Men that have some amount of confidence, or have decided it’s time to become confident and go after what they want, but have never spent some time with women, and are petrified with trying to pick them up, would, on the other hand, gain a lot from learning pick-up skills. They are likely to use their skills with integrity and they are saving a whole bunch of girls from being approached in manners that do nothing for them.
Wouldn’t it be nice to go to a club and not be harassed by guys who don’t know how to flirt with you?

Pick up techniques

Now, let’s have a look at pick-up techniques used by the PUAs.
Negging: Saying something semi-negative to a woman, like: “you have a funny nose” or “your smile is kind of crooked, but kind of cute.” Why do this? It makes the woman work to get the approval of the man, rather than the other way around. And, as mentioned previously, a man who walks up to someone and starts off with a compliment is almost invading personal space- he doesn’t know if there is a spark yet, but he’s showing he wants something. This puts a woman on guard and in control.
Ignorance: A PUA walking up to a group of people will usually ignore the woman he wants to speak to at first and focus on her friends. Why? He is proving he can have a good time and socialize before he talks to her. Once he has proven himself she will want to speak to him. And, again, it puts him in control, making her work for him (although he’s already working pretty hard).
False time constraint: Remember what I said about guys walking up to you and you thinking you won’t get away from them if it turns out you don’t like them? Well, PUAs figured this out, so when they walk up to someone, they usually say they have to leave soon. That’s way the person they are talking to will relax knowing they don’t have to put up with them all night should it turn out they don’t enjoy talking to them.
Proving value: As I mentioned, PUAs will prove their value. They will talk and entertain a group of friends, do a magic trick, or use some mentalism to do some “psychic” trick. They are entertaining, showing you a good time.
Social proof: Humans are social animals. If you see a guy alone at a nightclub you might dismiss him thinking he’s a freak. By bringing a friend or walking around sharing comments with various people until he has made some friends in the club, he will show you he can socialize. He isn’t a weirdo.
Cleaning up: You won’t find a PUA wearing awful wardrobe and a hairstyle to match. They’ve figured out women like men who look after themselves, including their wardrobe and bodies. They go to the gym and use a toothbrush. Hallelujah.
Reading body language: A PUA will check if a woman is interested by reading her body language. He won’t move into the next phase, such as touching her, before he knows there’s interest.
Peacocking: Wearing something outrageous to have something to talk about. The problem most guys have is that they have nothing to say. I know one pick-up artist who wore black nail polish and everywhere he went he’d walk up to women and talk to them about their nails. Worked as a charm.
Having a story ready: As with peacocking, these PUAs use different stories to get the party started. They have something ready to say when walking up to a crowd or a woman. It’s usually something borderline ridiculous and funny, or something relating to the place like “Did you hear there was this massive riot here last week and the police came?” Talking about the place is a natural conversation opener as it is something you all have in common.
There are many more techniques you can use, usually based on NLP, such as matching and mirroring, finding things in common to talk about, anchoring things and using certain hypnosis techniques. Some of these techniques are what I’d call unethical. You can make a woman feel good with them if you know she’s genuinely interested in you, but semi-hypnotizing a woman who doesn’t know you isn’t fair game.

What’s the verdict?

Are PUA techniques good or bad? Personally, I am in favor of them as far as teaching everyone the basics- some techniques would help women as well, especially at networking events. It removes the fear of social failure which a lot of people have.
Who has ever felt uncomfortable going to a party where you don’t know most people? I have. Most of us have. Knowing how to socially work a room is a great skill. If everyone had a one week course in PUA skills the world would probably be a better place.
Are there problems with PUA skills though? Yes, like people getting addicted to going to the gym, turning into workaholics, or wanting to make millions, PUA skills can be used as a form of addiction to “prove your worth.” If you value yourself as a person, if you value your heart and soul, you won’t need this form of validation.
We all enjoy being appreciated for who we are, but needing to pick up a new girl every night isn’t about that. It’s about fixing a broken ego, but that’s not the way to fix it. The way to fix it is to take a step into your own persona and seeing your worth.
Can women be fooled by PUAs? Yes and no. It’s like magic- it’s entertaining and it can be fun, and some women want more of that, not looking behind it. Like men, they seek validation and will go chasing after any guy who gives them a good time, or who they feel they need to prove themselves too.
A confident woman who follows her heart won’t feel true attraction to a man who is not true to her. She might choose to be entertained for the night, she might choose to go with physical attraction, but she won’t be truly attracted to that man.
Gullible people are taken advantage of all the time- I can still remember the time I thought a guy liking me meant he was in love with me. I had no clue. It took some time for me to learn. I was gullible and I also had little self-confidence. With confidence came awareness and the ability to distinguish between different kinds of attraction and forms of desire. By taking responsibility for myself I learned how to navigate my love life.
Do you, as a woman, seriously think a guy is Mister Right after going on just a few dates with him? If you don’t, you won’t get fooled by PUA techniques. You might feel desire for a guy who knows how to turn your buttons on, but if you want more than a one night stand, you have to learn how to control your own desire and look beyond it to see if the guy is more than someone who turns you on.
Desire or attraction itself means little until you establish why you are feeling it. It is up to you to make that distinction.